Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
