Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
