living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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