even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
