She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
