I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
