yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
