I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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