Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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