i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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