i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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