hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize