I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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