i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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