We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
