My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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