your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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