I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
