I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
