Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
