Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
