I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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