I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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