When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
