i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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