thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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