The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
