Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
