I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
