Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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