i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
