1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
