God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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