How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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