My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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