I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
