i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
