i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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