Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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