I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
