Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
