why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
