Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
