He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
