one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
