I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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