My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
