i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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