Your dad touched me again.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize