I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
