If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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