I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
