I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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