I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
