all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
