you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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