I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
