Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize